Self designated, self designed, self imposed, self conscious, self transposed...
But there's therapy there too, I think.
Today I'm denying question marks; let them be the forget-me-nots of another worry.
Self denial. Oh I've lived there. Self potential. Self advocated. That's a scary place to visit.
Self talk. It haunts me. Especially when I run, when I plan a run, when I meet someone for a run, when I'm thinking about a run I had, a run I should have had, a race I could have run better, faster, more graceful.
In the dark, on the road, in the quiet, before you wake... I'm out there. Running. Jogging. Shuffling. Moving. Praying. Don't let the dogs out. Don't let the skunks wake up. Don't let there be black ice blending into the shadows. Don't let there be a lot of cars and their shiny lights. Don't let the streets be empty either. Don't let there be strangers, strange noises, strange sounds.
Don't give me another reason to stay home.
I don't need one.
Head lamp a-lit along the sidewalk I will stumble on hours later to take the bus to work. Reflective vest, reflective bands, stand out, shout out, look here, watch out. Such a contrast to the soul I tend to hide the rest of my day. Hoping not to be noticed making mistakes while crossing the road, while squinting at price tags in the grocery store, while cutting the grass into crooked rows. Memorized steps.
I know this route. Self talk invades; it may have changed. I know this way. But it's rained since you've come. I know this curb, that step, those garden gnomes, garbage cans (not people - don't say hi). I missed that guard rail. Over dodged that construction pylon. Tripped up on the shadow following me. My shadow. Calm down. It's just running.
Breath escapes me here. Never have I uttered such a lie.
Who am I kidding? Who is there to fool? Stop unbalancing the only piece that makes any sense at all. Finally helpful self talk. Finally productive self judgment.
Finally, a sense of some kind of self.
It's never "just" a run. Ever.
It can set you free, can make you step out of the everything holding you back. It can make the world shine, it can set it aglow. It can be the 'hard' thing to get you through all the other hard things. It can be self defining. Yes... It can be the reason to get up, the reason to go to bed, the reason to reach, to try, to train, to focus, to create that sense of... of... of..
Doesn't there have to be, by default, some selfishness to your sense of self.. Maybe...
I don't need another reason to stay home. I have a million already. No guide, no time, no dark hours, no good weather, no energy, no hope, no breath, no self belief, no sense of safety, no sense of my-self.
No; it's never "just" a run. Do not take it for granted. A step you take is a step from where you are, a step into who you are, who you want to be, who you trust you might be.
Today no question. Today no doubt worth breeding. Today, a run.
Tomorrow, a run.
Foundations of a self I might like to meet someday.